Neil Aldis is preparing to die.

A, Jess (1989-09-26)
Aaron, Ross (1981-10-19)
Abbott, Heathurr (1984-03-09)
Ada, Madrina (1991-07-22)
Adair, Ryan (1984-05-27)
Adams, Amy (1992-03-09)
Adams, Heather (1983-10-19)
Adie, Dan (1978-09-29)
Adrianapolis, Sebastapol (1974-05-08)
Agrawal, Sumit (1985-10-03)
Aguilar Roman, Nuria (1978-07-23)
Ahmed, Shah (1984-11-25)
Ainley, Rosa (1959-07-30)
Ainslie, Claire (1982-09-30)
Akerele, Jonathan (1985-06-01)
Al-Saffar, A.Rasool (1973-02-15)
Alderliesten, Puk (1975-01-02)
Aldis, Neil (1973-01-21)
Aldrich, James (1990-05-25)
Alexander, Robbie (1993-04-25)
Allen, Christine (1977-02-10)
Allen, Dave (1972-11-30)
Allison, Stefanie (1974-12-20)
Allman, William [ Bill ] (1954-02-10)
Alto, Cryslyn (1992-05-08)
Ambrodious Von Esling, Loki (1980-02-26)
Amburn, Atera (1981-06-29)
Amerika, S (1799-12-26)
Amit, Ben (1978-06-16)
Anandan, Stephen (1971-07-27)
Anderson, Matt (1982-03-25)
Anderson, Nathaniel (1980-07-01)
Anderton, Giles (1974-06-13)
Andrade, Gabi (1991-05-08)
Andres, Andres (1985-10-10)
Andres, Javier (1989-11-04)
Aniks, Ana (1991-08-14)
Ann, Stacy (1985-07-03)
Annie, Little Orphan (1972-11-07)
Anon., James (1460-08-23)
Anye, Ortigoza (1993-02-02)
Apathetic, Andrea (1992-07-13)
Appleyard, John (0000-00-00)
Arh, Janez (1971-08-18)
Ariel, Candy (1988-12-10)
Armstrong, Mark (1971-10-01)
Armstrong, Mark (1971-10-01)
Arria, Daniel (1992-11-23)
Aryan, Raj (1989-09-07)
Ash, Amanda (1992-05-06)
Asmussen, Jeff (1966-01-22)
Aspen, Håvard (1982-11-20)
Ates, Ozkan (1968-11-16)
Atkinson, Sean (1968-02-15)
Atric, Christi (1976-10-06)
Austin, Cardenia (1978-09-11)
Avendaņo, Eugenia (1975-09-16)
Averbuck, Clarah (1979-05-26)
AVILES CAMPOS, JORGE EDUARDO (1987-07-04)
Axtell, Nick (1979-12-03)
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DISPOSAL
I just have to be buried at sea, on a funeral boat like the vikings (see later on for details)

COFFIN
Like I said, on a small rowing boat, wrapped in the flag of Streatham, doused in petrol, setting anchor about 100 yards off the coastline.

RELIGION
I would like the religeous aspects to follow the lines of Heavy Metal lyrics from the period 1970-1995. So, that means we have to have a vicar on a motorbike, doing donuts repeatedly whilst choirboys dressed in red spandex and leather chaps with holes in the bum sing W.A.S.P. Fuck Like A Beast. This should be accompanied by Nicko McBrain from Iron Maiden banging his massive gong over and over again, whilst Ozzy Osbourne comes from the sky sitting on a throne that looks like the devil. when he touches down I want him to mumble some incoherent words for about five minutes and finish by saying "let's go fucking crazy!", then the fnu begins.

GUESTS
Right, I want everyone I've ever known in my life except the following people (who are all the biggest wankers I have had the misfortune to come across (not sperm you filthy wankers)): anthony Noguera (You is a prick) Johanne Stewart (You is a fat ugly prick) Rob King (You is a sad little shit) The whole of the Royal Family (you is all inbred cunt farmers) Nazi's Actors My Brother. John Rundle (you is king of the knobs) Matthew er, can't remember your name but I went to school with you and you are still a wanker. The pigs.

MUSIC
The Ballard of Jimi Hendrix by S.O.D. Followed by My Ding-a-ling by Chuck Berry then finish it all up with a bit of Friggin' In The Rigging by the Pistols. Then for the reception I'd like there to be a switch between Ozzy Era Sabbath and the best bits of Sonic Youth. Once the oldies have gone home I want to see everyone pounding the dance floor to the most extreme drum n'bass out there.

READINGS
Oh I don't know, something by Woody Allen, then something heavy by Dostoyevsky

EPITAPH
Here lies Neil Aldis, so stop fucking standing on him. And you lot in the black with all that face paint on, stop sniffing that glue and looking so miserable you wankers, you're not the walking dead, just moaning sodding teenagers, wait till you're thirty, then you'll have something to moan about. Wankers.

OBITUARY
Neil Aldis lived, said some very nasty things to many people, said some superbly loverly things to a couple of people, and said sod all to just about 99.99999999% of the entire world's population. During his life he looked incredibly like various famous people, like Peter Sutcliffe, Jesus, and other beard wearers. When he didn't have a beard he looked like a beardless hippy, though in reality he hated hippy's, knowing that they were all middle-class wankers who were ashamed of their easy lives. He made some people come, and others puke. he probably owes you something, and says he's sorry, but he's dead now and you can't have it.

OTHER