D. A. Barham is preparing to die.

A
B, Ashe (1984-05-29)
Back, Gabi (1989-10-18)
Backman, Mikaela (1983-02-12)
Baggage, Cam-the- (1975-06-06)
Bags, Penny (1987-10-22)
Bailey, Stacey (1979-08-30)
Bain, AL (1974-01-01)
Baker, Chris (1980-05-02)
Bale, Ben (1984-01-22)
Bale, Ben (1984-01-22)
Bale, Ben (1984-01-22)
Bale, Danny (1989-10-31)
Bale, Gemma (1989-09-27)
Ball, Nigel (1968-07-03)
Baloch, Waheed (1995-07-01)
Banks, Patrick (1983-09-01)
Banner, Wynfred (1981-01-02)
Barbarash, Andrew (1982-08-19)
Barham, D. A. (1976-11-20)
Barigela, Swamy (1936-08-15)
Barker, Andrew (1974-08-20)
Barker, Bob (1976-07-24)
Barreca, James (1979-02-07)
Bartley, Ken (1965-07-10)
Barton, Austin (1976-08-01)
Bates, Megan (1992-07-16)
Baumann, Petra (1971-11-28)
Baylis, Sarah (1972-02-03)
Beacom, John (1964-03-17)
BEALES, JEFF (1966-08-25)
Beardslee, Sharon (1954-10-15)
Becerra, Gabriela (1995-03-24)
Beckinsale, Tim (1977-10-13)
Bedford, Lydia (1994-01-20)
Beer, Stevie (1969-04-14)
Belkacem, Ben (1974-05-13)
Bell, Brent (1984-01-31)
Bell, Jennifer (1980-05-03)
Belsher, A (1969-08-01)
Beltran, Raygoza (1962-08-24)
Bendeck, Anny (1988-05-01)
Bendle, Bendle Calder (1960-06-03)
Bennett, Ian (1973-04-23)
Bennett, Jules (1969-12-23)
Bently, Simon (1979-05-09)
Benz, Mitchell (1990-12-03)
Berry, Sea (1986-07-20)
Best-Hall, Qtym (1985-11-19)
Betts, Robb (1980-01-11)
Bharti, Deven (1980-09-25)
Bianchini, Fabio (1974-11-04)
Bin, Astrid (1979-05-14)
Bird, Craig (1971-03-21)
Bitch, Techno (1978-02-03)
Bittu, Roy (1990-03-09)
Björnsson, Finnur (1971-07-27)
Bkr, Nat (1986-03-06)
Black, Chris (1974-04-10)
Blackwell, Chris (1977-06-20)
Blake, Trav (1990-07-14)
Bland, Kathy (1972-03-15)
Blanton, Bo (1981-11-11)
Blatter, Andrea (1978-11-05)
Blossoms, Buttercup (1989-11-10)
Blumenkraft, Leopold (1970-12-25)
Blumensheid, Alan (1954-07-31)
Boag, James (1968-11-26)
Boice, Jonathan (1974-10-09)
Borgstrom, Carl (1958-06-24)
Boswell, Ann (1971-09-03)
Bounds, Jon (1975-06-30)
Bower, Paul (1982-06-08)
Boylan, Jenny (1973-10-06)
Boyle, William (1983-07-13)
Boyle, William (1983-07-13)
Brace, Adam (1980-03-25)
Bradley, David (1959-10-31)
Bramble, Mary Jo (1962-03-01)
Brammer, Sal (1990-04-29)
Brand, Chloe (1980-04-15)
Braun, Tobi (1977-08-29)
Brenda, Cruz (1993-04-23)
Brewin, Kester (1972-08-21)
Bridger, Tyson (1969-01-06)
Bridget Conboy, Marie (1985-06-12)
Briggs, Michael (1990-04-05)
Brigham, Daniel (1980-04-25)
Brightwell, Johanna (1964-05-20)
Bril, Eran (1976-02-03)
Brindle, Sharon (1971-11-09)
Broadley, Beki (1985-11-23)
Brookman, Jacob (1984-09-07)
Brosnand, Peirce (1909-05-08)
Brown, Hugh (1970-12-26)
Brown, Louis (1980-06-03)
Brown, Molly (0000-00-00)
Brown, Phillip (1977-11-09)
Bruce, Morag (1979-04-24)
Bryant, David (1973-09-14)
Buchanan, Stuart (1970-07-22)
Buckett, Mark (1976-02-14)
Buckley, Gray (1989-11-14)
Budden, Rhiannon (1992-04-02)
Bullock, Lindsay (1966-06-03)
Bunn, Alex (1975-08-17)
Burke, Alice (1983-07-27)
Burns, Billy (1970-08-28)
Burr, William (1973-11-17)
Burton, Mark (1965-11-28)
Butler, Dave (1975-03-10)
Byrne, David (2009-06-29)
Byrne, Deirdre (1983-03-22)
C
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E
F
G
H
I
J
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DISPOSAL
I would like to be scattered on the pitch at Elland Road. If the board of Leeds United object, my solicitor may consent to have me cremated first. Additionally: My liver, kidneys and other vital organs are to be left to medical science, on the grounds that they are donated to Jim Davidson. Whether he wants them or not. The idea of this vile little Nazi shit undergoing horrendously painful and possibly fatal transplant surgery will make my soul rest easier in its celestial berth. The tips of my fingers should be cut off prior to cremation, and inserted into the curtain-poles of all my least popular relatives. I will therefore remain in their thoughts as a lingering, inexplicable rotting flesh smell until they are forced to move house. This will also ease my tortured soul.

COFFIN
It's got to be something made of MDF, draped in purple velour and hand-stencilled with gold-effect spray paint. I know my "Changing Rooms".

RELIGION
Jehovah's Witness. I would like two slightly suspicious bespectacled people with no dress sense to wheel my cadaver round the local neighbourhood, knocking on doors and asking the occupants if they would like to let a decomposing stiffy into their life.

GUESTS
Barred: Jimmy Saville. I've heard the rumours. Invited: all my nearest and dearest. You can book the telephone-kiosk now.

MUSIC
Celine Dion's "That Godawful Titanic Song". Do I want to hear that again? Yeah, *over my dead body*...

READINGS
Reading's a moderate sized town just outside London, isn't it? I guess I might as well die there as anywhere else. Death is probably one of the more interesting activities one can partake of in Reading.

EPITAPH
Sorry, I thought the deadline for epitaphs was *next* week.

OBITUARY


OTHER
Auction me off on E-Bay. Some idiot is bound to bid.