Ken Bartley is preparing to die.

A
B, Ashe (1984-05-29)
Back, Gabi (1989-10-18)
Backman, Mikaela (1983-02-12)
Baggage, Cam-the- (1975-06-06)
Bags, Penny (1987-10-22)
Bailey, Stacey (1979-08-30)
Bain, AL (1974-01-01)
Baker, Chris (1980-05-02)
Bale, Ben (1984-01-22)
Bale, Ben (1984-01-22)
Bale, Ben (1984-01-22)
Bale, Danny (1989-10-31)
Bale, Gemma (1989-09-27)
Ball, Nigel (1968-07-03)
Baloch, Waheed (1995-07-01)
Banks, Patrick (1983-09-01)
Banner, Wynfred (1981-01-02)
Barbarash, Andrew (1982-08-19)
Barham, D. A. (1976-11-20)
Barigela, Swamy (1936-08-15)
Barker, Andrew (1974-08-20)
Barker, Bob (1976-07-24)
Barreca, James (1979-02-07)
Bartley, Ken (1965-07-10)
Barton, Austin (1976-08-01)
Bates, Megan (1992-07-16)
Baumann, Petra (1971-11-28)
Baylis, Sarah (1972-02-03)
Beacom, John (1964-03-17)
BEALES, JEFF (1966-08-25)
Beardslee, Sharon (1954-10-15)
Becerra, Gabriela (1995-03-24)
Beckinsale, Tim (1977-10-13)
Bedford, Lydia (1994-01-20)
Beer, Stevie (1969-04-14)
Belkacem, Ben (1974-05-13)
Bell, Brent (1984-01-31)
Bell, Jennifer (1980-05-03)
Belsher, A (1969-08-01)
Beltran, Raygoza (1962-08-24)
Bendeck, Anny (1988-05-01)
Bendle, Bendle Calder (1960-06-03)
Bennett, Ian (1973-04-23)
Bennett, Jules (1969-12-23)
Bently, Simon (1979-05-09)
Benz, Mitchell (1990-12-03)
Berry, Sea (1986-07-20)
Best-Hall, Qtym (1985-11-19)
Betts, Robb (1980-01-11)
Bharti, Deven (1980-09-25)
Bianchini, Fabio (1974-11-04)
Bin, Astrid (1979-05-14)
Bird, Craig (1971-03-21)
Bitch, Techno (1978-02-03)
Bittu, Roy (1990-03-09)
Björnsson, Finnur (1971-07-27)
Bkr, Nat (1986-03-06)
Black, Chris (1974-04-10)
Blackwell, Chris (1977-06-20)
Blake, Trav (1990-07-14)
Bland, Kathy (1972-03-15)
Blanton, Bo (1981-11-11)
Blatter, Andrea (1978-11-05)
Blossoms, Buttercup (1989-11-10)
Blumenkraft, Leopold (1970-12-25)
Blumensheid, Alan (1954-07-31)
Boag, James (1968-11-26)
Boice, Jonathan (1974-10-09)
Borgstrom, Carl (1958-06-24)
Boswell, Ann (1971-09-03)
Bounds, Jon (1975-06-30)
Bower, Paul (1982-06-08)
Boylan, Jenny (1973-10-06)
Boyle, William (1983-07-13)
Boyle, William (1983-07-13)
Brace, Adam (1980-03-25)
Bradley, David (1959-10-31)
Bramble, Mary Jo (1962-03-01)
Brammer, Sal (1990-04-29)
Brand, Chloe (1980-04-15)
Braun, Tobi (1977-08-29)
Brenda, Cruz (1993-04-23)
Brewin, Kester (1972-08-21)
Bridger, Tyson (1969-01-06)
Bridget Conboy, Marie (1985-06-12)
Briggs, Michael (1990-04-05)
Brigham, Daniel (1980-04-25)
Brightwell, Johanna (1964-05-20)
Bril, Eran (1976-02-03)
Brindle, Sharon (1971-11-09)
Broadley, Beki (1985-11-23)
Brookman, Jacob (1984-09-07)
Brosnand, Peirce (1909-05-08)
Brown, Hugh (1970-12-26)
Brown, Louis (1980-06-03)
Brown, Molly (0000-00-00)
Brown, Phillip (1977-11-09)
Bruce, Morag (1979-04-24)
Bryant, David (1973-09-14)
Buchanan, Stuart (1970-07-22)
Buckett, Mark (1976-02-14)
Buckley, Gray (1989-11-14)
Budden, Rhiannon (1992-04-02)
Bullock, Lindsay (1966-06-03)
Bunn, Alex (1975-08-17)
Burke, Alice (1983-07-27)
Burns, Billy (1970-08-28)
Burr, William (1973-11-17)
Burton, Mark (1965-11-28)
Butler, Dave (1975-03-10)
Byrne, David (2009-06-29)
Byrne, Deirdre (1983-03-22)
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DISPOSAL
Leave my ashes in my mausoleum; as this has not been built yet, you may need to build one if I have not managed to complete this by the time I am 100.

COFFIN
Impossible to buy in advance (why do undertakers seem surprised by this request; may as well enjoy having it brightening up the place first?)

RELIGION
The Centre for Astral and Spiritual Humanism will be collecting at my funeral. Cheques made payable to CASH please. These will then be passed to the grieving widow to spend in an appropriately inappropriate way.

GUESTS
All guests will have the oportunity to purchase discount tickets for future Belfast Unbound events. On the positive side as the DJ is deceased the musical choices may improve (possibly).

MUSIC
ABBA, lighthouse family and OASIS - all very loud. Fortunately I will be dead so will not have to listen to this appalling rubbish. Just in case better stick a copy of Moby's "when it's cold I like to die" in the coffin.

READINGS
I am certain Ann will say something pleasant - do try not to snigger at the back.

EPITAPH
Don't send for a taxi, I am not dead yet.

OBITUARY
The one amazing fact about Ken's life was that he lived to be one hundred, even after a life based solely around coffee, marlboro and smirnoff. This may be a lie - please check gravestone for correct age at death

OTHER