AL Bain is preparing to die.

A
B, Ashe (1984-05-29)
Back, Gabi (1989-10-18)
Backman, Mikaela (1983-02-12)
Baggage, Cam-the- (1975-06-06)
Bags, Penny (1987-10-22)
Bailey, Stacey (1979-08-30)
Bain, AL (1974-01-01)
Baker, Chris (1980-05-02)
Bale, Ben (1984-01-22)
Bale, Ben (1984-01-22)
Bale, Ben (1984-01-22)
Bale, Danny (1989-10-31)
Bale, Gemma (1989-09-27)
Ball, Nigel (1968-07-03)
Baloch, Waheed (1995-07-01)
Banks, Patrick (1983-09-01)
Banner, Wynfred (1981-01-02)
Barbarash, Andrew (1982-08-19)
Barham, D. A. (1976-11-20)
Barigela, Swamy (1936-08-15)
Barker, Andrew (1974-08-20)
Barker, Bob (1976-07-24)
Barreca, James (1979-02-07)
Bartley, Ken (1965-07-10)
Barton, Austin (1976-08-01)
Bates, Megan (1992-07-16)
Baumann, Petra (1971-11-28)
Baylis, Sarah (1972-02-03)
Beacom, John (1964-03-17)
BEALES, JEFF (1966-08-25)
Beardslee, Sharon (1954-10-15)
Becerra, Gabriela (1995-03-24)
Beckinsale, Tim (1977-10-13)
Bedford, Lydia (1994-01-20)
Beer, Stevie (1969-04-14)
Belkacem, Ben (1974-05-13)
Bell, Brent (1984-01-31)
Bell, Jennifer (1980-05-03)
Belsher, A (1969-08-01)
Beltran, Raygoza (1962-08-24)
Bendeck, Anny (1988-05-01)
Bendle, Bendle Calder (1960-06-03)
Bennett, Ian (1973-04-23)
Bennett, Jules (1969-12-23)
Bently, Simon (1979-05-09)
Benz, Mitchell (1990-12-03)
Berry, Sea (1986-07-20)
Best-Hall, Qtym (1985-11-19)
Betts, Robb (1980-01-11)
Bharti, Deven (1980-09-25)
Bianchini, Fabio (1974-11-04)
Bin, Astrid (1979-05-14)
Bird, Craig (1971-03-21)
Bitch, Techno (1978-02-03)
Bittu, Roy (1990-03-09)
Björnsson, Finnur (1971-07-27)
Bkr, Nat (1986-03-06)
Black, Chris (1974-04-10)
Blackwell, Chris (1977-06-20)
Blake, Trav (1990-07-14)
Bland, Kathy (1972-03-15)
Blanton, Bo (1981-11-11)
Blatter, Andrea (1978-11-05)
Blossoms, Buttercup (1989-11-10)
Blumenkraft, Leopold (1970-12-25)
Blumensheid, Alan (1954-07-31)
Boag, James (1968-11-26)
Boice, Jonathan (1974-10-09)
Borgstrom, Carl (1958-06-24)
Boswell, Ann (1971-09-03)
Bounds, Jon (1975-06-30)
Bower, Paul (1982-06-08)
Boylan, Jenny (1973-10-06)
Boyle, William (1983-07-13)
Boyle, William (1983-07-13)
Brace, Adam (1980-03-25)
Bradley, David (1959-10-31)
Bramble, Mary Jo (1962-03-01)
Brammer, Sal (1990-04-29)
Brand, Chloe (1980-04-15)
Braun, Tobi (1977-08-29)
Brenda, Cruz (1993-04-23)
Brewin, Kester (1972-08-21)
Bridger, Tyson (1969-01-06)
Bridget Conboy, Marie (1985-06-12)
Briggs, Michael (1990-04-05)
Brigham, Daniel (1980-04-25)
Brightwell, Johanna (1964-05-20)
Bril, Eran (1976-02-03)
Brindle, Sharon (1971-11-09)
Broadley, Beki (1985-11-23)
Brookman, Jacob (1984-09-07)
Brosnand, Peirce (1909-05-08)
Brown, Hugh (1970-12-26)
Brown, Louis (1980-06-03)
Brown, Molly (0000-00-00)
Brown, Phillip (1977-11-09)
Bruce, Morag (1979-04-24)
Bryant, David (1973-09-14)
Buchanan, Stuart (1970-07-22)
Buckett, Mark (1976-02-14)
Buckley, Gray (1989-11-14)
Budden, Rhiannon (1992-04-02)
Bullock, Lindsay (1966-06-03)
Bunn, Alex (1975-08-17)
Burke, Alice (1983-07-27)
Burns, Billy (1970-08-28)
Burr, William (1973-11-17)
Burton, Mark (1965-11-28)
Butler, Dave (1975-03-10)
Byrne, David (2009-06-29)
Byrne, Deirdre (1983-03-22)
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DISPOSAL
Cremation, ashes in a wicker box, planted with a tree on top. Make it a fruit tree of some sort, one that grows well in whatever climate I'm being buried in. Alternatively, you could use me as tomato fertilizer and make a big pot of marinara sauce with the harvest. Have I been listening to too much Brimstone and Treacle? "I likes to eat my friends, I make no bones about it."

COFFIN
I'd say make a big paper-mache biomorphic blob, get everyone to chip in and sign it (kind of like a cast) and shove me in before I go into the furnace. If I'm in a place with no freezer facilities at the morgue there might not be that much time though.

RELIGION
BYOR - Bring your own. Religion, like drinking, is a matter of private taste. Public indulgence can be entertaining, but please remember: you might like tequila, but others may think it tastes like donkey piss, so do us all a favor and don't force others to imbibe your personal choice. Having cleared this up, 3 mins silence at the gravesite to do with what you wish. Ta.

GUESTS
Anyone who feels like it can turn up. I'll have to make sure I leave enough cash behind to fund a good booze-up. Go ahead! Invite random strangers off the street!

MUSIC
"Where is my Mind?" by The Pixies and "Diamonds on my Windshield" by Tom Waits. Apart from that, some Springsteen, some Dire Straits, assorted classic Cure songs, and of course "The Queen is Dead" by the Smiths! Mix it up, have fun, use my entire CD collection and hire a DJ. I know I have such a catholic taste in music that all my friends are convinced I have POOR taste because I listen to at least some kind of music that they consider to be an Abomination towards All That is Right. I would like said friends to have one last chance to critique my music collection and hold their ears in pain when The Pogues are played at top volume.

READINGS
"The Riddle of the World" by Alexander Pope. To be intoned in a sonorous manner. "The Kangaroo" by Ogden Nash, to be intoned in an equally sonorous manner.

EPITAPH
Blame The Screenwriter!

OBITUARY
She was a good 'un, she took care of her Mum and Dad, and she tried to make the world a better place.

OTHER