Wendy Chalmers is preparing to die.

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B
Ca, Adrian (1985-05-18)
Calder, Steph (0000-00-00)
Calderon, Camila (1990-12-05)
Calderon, Samantha (1982-08-03)
Calhoun, Patrick (1983-03-17)
Cally, Cally (1956-09-18)
Calvert, Brian (1976-12-15)
Calvetti, Rebecca (1985-03-10)
Campbell, Rhiannon (1990-09-30)
Carbajal, Veronica (1987-04-23)
Carl Montrell Wilson, Rat (1985-04-20)
Carney, Ben (1985-07-27)
Carrera, Ivan (1986-12-10)
Cars, Ariana (1993-09-24)
Carter, Amanda (1985-12-12)
Carter, David (1967-06-15)
Carter, Greg (1960-02-21)
Carter, Helen (1983-06-13)
Carter, Paul (1984-09-26)
Cartledge, Alastair (1984-02-10)
Cartwright, Adrian (1969-11-06)
Cassar, Richard (1971-11-13)
Catubig, Klaryssa (1992-06-21)
Cauty, James (1956-12-19)
Cauty, James (1956-12-19)
Cauty, Simon (1959-05-15)
Caycedo Mendez, Cesar (1968-05-27)
Ceci, Veronica (1978-05-16)
Centre, Natural Death (1973-05-30)
Chalmers, Wendy (1968-12-23)
Chambers, Richard (1972-02-22)
Chaos, Organiz3d (2999-01-01)
Chapel, Katie (1988-02-13)
Chaplain, Charlie (2008-02-05)
Chapman, Elizabeth (1990-11-28)
Chapman, Roger (1947-06-28)
Charnock, Ross (1977-09-16)
Chaudhary, Kumar (1981-10-05)
Chavarrķa, Maria (1990-04-29)
Chee, Melvin (1976-05-01)
Cheffie, A (1973-01-21)
Cherchi-bersch, Sebastian (1980-03-01)
Chesney, Sara (1991-04-22)
Chevez, Dalia (1983-08-23)
Chew, Mark (1985-10-10)
Chicken, David (1990-01-19)
Chicolino, Giss (1980-02-03)
Chilestone, Tim (1983-02-11)
Chimpaz, Gurner (2000-10-03)
Chipperfield, Ed (1976-03-24)
Chirunga, Precious (aka Kickie-dee) (1986-08-24)
Chrapko, Danielle (1985-03-11)
Chrapko, Danika (1990-06-30)
Chrapko, Desiree (1981-12-31)
Chylek, Adelle (1985-11-09)
Clark, Hollie (1989-07-26)
Clark, Jacki (1974-04-23)
Cleemann, Sebi (1979-09-29)
Cleeves, Paul (1973-10-29)
Clewes, Sam (1978-12-12)
Coates, Sophie (1991-07-29)
Coates, Tim (1972-08-21)
Cobley, Nick (1986-05-15)
Cock, Scar (1960-02-01)
Cocks, Andrew (1975-01-21)
Coke, Rob (1972-06-26)
Cola, Lola (1970-12-12)
Coleman, Harvey (1992-02-22)
Coleman, Harvey (1992-02-22)
Collier, David (1980-03-18)
Collier, Emma (1988-09-30)
Collins, Damien (1981-12-01)
Collins, Graham (0000-00-00)
Collins, Sinead (1975-12-29)
Collins, Stephen (1976-12-13)
Collis, Carol (1973-03-17)
Columbo, Steve (1978-07-08)
Colvin, Devin (1975-12-19)
Colvin, Devin (1975-12-19)
Colvin, Devin (1900-12-19)
Conley, Bob (1952-09-21)
Connor, Phil (1990-04-08)
Conroy, Ellis (1994-11-13)
Contreras, Jeanette (1968-07-12)
Cook, John (1970-01-16)
Cooper, Steve (1981-10-14)
Cormack, Mike (1979-08-05)
Cornel, Doug (1951-07-24)
Cortez, Delgado (1985-10-15)
Cosgrove, Conor (1971-08-23)
Cotlier, Sol (1977-06-28)
Cotter, Evan (1977-01-12)
Cotton, David (1973-03-23)
Cotton, Richard (1979-08-01)
Coulbeck, Simon (1972-09-19)
Coulter, Simon (1973-11-08)
Courter, Blythe (1987-12-29)
Coward, Simon (1959-07-07)
Coyle, Coyle (1526-02-23)
Crabtree, Martin (1977-05-01)
Craggs, Michelle (1982-12-30)
Craven, Lee (1990-01-07)
Crede, Alexander (1987-03-18)
Crews, Les (1985-06-13)
Cridland, Alec (1989-01-16)
Croft, Adrian (1978-04-18)
Croteau, Eddie (1978-10-30)
Crow, Kenny (1985-11-21)
Cryan, Dan (1978-06-04)
Cui, Carla (1975-06-06)
Cullen, Matthew (1975-12-09)
Cunningham, Simon (1981-05-11)
Currah, Varsana (1987-09-30)
Currell, Simon (1976-02-15)
Cusack, Sean (1986-12-31)
Cutlett, Lucas (1932-11-25)
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DISPOSAL
Viking funeral pyre - perhaps not very original, but it's dramatic, passionate and intense. What a way to go. Full Viking battle-dress for all mourners - complete with Viking helmets and pigtails for the ladies. Those not prepared to wear the full battle-dress are permitted to come dressed as Clingons, but must behave in the appropriate Clingon fashion. Anyone else not prepared to wear either of the above must wear bright colours - orange/yellow preferred. The ashes will take care of themselves, just set me alight and push me out onto the Solent. A few fireworks strategically placed on the pyre wouldn't go amiss - the really big ones that make big explosions - with luck, you might see an arm or leg come flying out of the fire... the memories will last you a lifetime, if you don't get hit by falling debris first.

COFFIN
No coffin, just full Viking battle-dress, make sure I get the pigtails. No self-respecting Viking lady could go to Valhallah without her pigtails. And a huge breastplate - at least in death I'll have big breasts.

RELIGION
Religion? Isn't that where people whine, 'My imaginary friend is better than your imaginary friend' and then kill each other? And who decided that we needed priests, bishops, vicars etc. to act as middle men? When was it decided that we couldn't talk to God direct from the comfort of our sofas, or a nice hot bath?

GUESTS
Partygoers to include the entire cast of Star Trek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Peter Gabriel, Eddie Izzard, friends and family. As far barring anyone, what would I care who turns up, I'll be dead? Besides, I don't bear grudges. In any event, should anyone turn up who I really wouldn't want there, just make sure they're standing in the right place for falling debris when my funeral pyre fireworks explode.

MUSIC
'Get The Party Started' by Pink. Kicking ethno-trance, maybe some happy house. If you can, book Banco de Gaia for the evening.

READINGS
Anything from a Terry Pratchett or Robert Rankin book - the more surreal the better.

EPITAPH
What? Over so soon? I was just getting into that....

OBITUARY
She did her best, and if that wasn't good enough for some of you, tough shit.

OTHER
Let my cats conduct the service, they are the ones who know me best, after all. If they haven't learned to read and speak by the time I peg it, I think it should be down to the person wearing the best outfit, or draw straws or something.