Samantha Calderon is preparing to die.

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B
Ca, Adrian (1985-05-18)
Calder, Steph (0000-00-00)
Calderon, Camila (1990-12-05)
Calderon, Samantha (1982-08-03)
Calhoun, Patrick (1983-03-17)
Cally, Cally (1956-09-18)
Calvert, Brian (1976-12-15)
Calvetti, Rebecca (1985-03-10)
Campbell, Rhiannon (1990-09-30)
Carbajal, Veronica (1987-04-23)
Carl Montrell Wilson, Rat (1985-04-20)
Carney, Ben (1985-07-27)
Carrera, Ivan (1986-12-10)
Cars, Ariana (1993-09-24)
Carter, Amanda (1985-12-12)
Carter, David (1967-06-15)
Carter, Greg (1960-02-21)
Carter, Helen (1983-06-13)
Carter, Paul (1984-09-26)
Cartledge, Alastair (1984-02-10)
Cartwright, Adrian (1969-11-06)
Cassar, Richard (1971-11-13)
Catubig, Klaryssa (1992-06-21)
Cauty, James (1956-12-19)
Cauty, James (1956-12-19)
Cauty, Simon (1959-05-15)
Caycedo Mendez, Cesar (1968-05-27)
Ceci, Veronica (1978-05-16)
Centre, Natural Death (1973-05-30)
Chalmers, Wendy (1968-12-23)
Chambers, Richard (1972-02-22)
Chaos, Organiz3d (2999-01-01)
Chapel, Katie (1988-02-13)
Chaplain, Charlie (2008-02-05)
Chapman, Elizabeth (1990-11-28)
Chapman, Roger (1947-06-28)
Charnock, Ross (1977-09-16)
Chaudhary, Kumar (1981-10-05)
Chavarrķa, Maria (1990-04-29)
Chee, Melvin (1976-05-01)
Cheffie, A (1973-01-21)
Cherchi-bersch, Sebastian (1980-03-01)
Chesney, Sara (1991-04-22)
Chevez, Dalia (1983-08-23)
Chew, Mark (1985-10-10)
Chicken, David (1990-01-19)
Chicolino, Giss (1980-02-03)
Chilestone, Tim (1983-02-11)
Chimpaz, Gurner (2000-10-03)
Chipperfield, Ed (1976-03-24)
Chirunga, Precious (aka Kickie-dee) (1986-08-24)
Chrapko, Danielle (1985-03-11)
Chrapko, Danika (1990-06-30)
Chrapko, Desiree (1981-12-31)
Chylek, Adelle (1985-11-09)
Clark, Hollie (1989-07-26)
Clark, Jacki (1974-04-23)
Cleemann, Sebi (1979-09-29)
Cleeves, Paul (1973-10-29)
Clewes, Sam (1978-12-12)
Coates, Sophie (1991-07-29)
Coates, Tim (1972-08-21)
Cobley, Nick (1986-05-15)
Cock, Scar (1960-02-01)
Cocks, Andrew (1975-01-21)
Coke, Rob (1972-06-26)
Cola, Lola (1970-12-12)
Coleman, Harvey (1992-02-22)
Coleman, Harvey (1992-02-22)
Collier, David (1980-03-18)
Collier, Emma (1988-09-30)
Collins, Damien (1981-12-01)
Collins, Graham (0000-00-00)
Collins, Sinead (1975-12-29)
Collins, Stephen (1976-12-13)
Collis, Carol (1973-03-17)
Columbo, Steve (1978-07-08)
Colvin, Devin (1975-12-19)
Colvin, Devin (1975-12-19)
Colvin, Devin (1900-12-19)
Conley, Bob (1952-09-21)
Connor, Phil (1990-04-08)
Conroy, Ellis (1994-11-13)
Contreras, Jeanette (1968-07-12)
Cook, John (1970-01-16)
Cooper, Steve (1981-10-14)
Cormack, Mike (1979-08-05)
Cornel, Doug (1951-07-24)
Cortez, Delgado (1985-10-15)
Cosgrove, Conor (1971-08-23)
Cotlier, Sol (1977-06-28)
Cotter, Evan (1977-01-12)
Cotton, David (1973-03-23)
Cotton, Richard (1979-08-01)
Coulbeck, Simon (1972-09-19)
Coulter, Simon (1973-11-08)
Courter, Blythe (1987-12-29)
Coward, Simon (1959-07-07)
Coyle, Coyle (1526-02-23)
Crabtree, Martin (1977-05-01)
Craggs, Michelle (1982-12-30)
Craven, Lee (1990-01-07)
Crede, Alexander (1987-03-18)
Crews, Les (1985-06-13)
Cridland, Alec (1989-01-16)
Croft, Adrian (1978-04-18)
Croteau, Eddie (1978-10-30)
Crow, Kenny (1985-11-21)
Cryan, Dan (1978-06-04)
Cui, Carla (1975-06-06)
Cullen, Matthew (1975-12-09)
Cunningham, Simon (1981-05-11)
Currah, Varsana (1987-09-30)
Currell, Simon (1976-02-15)
Cusack, Sean (1986-12-31)
Cutlett, Lucas (1932-11-25)
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DISPOSAL
Dispose? That's a rather harsh word. How bout you guys "scatter" my ashes in the Seine. Seems poetic enough for me.

COFFIN
If I do get a coffin, I'd like it to be glass. Imagine a 100 years from now... some kid is playing in his virtual sand lot, and he digs a bit too deep and finds my glass coffin!!! What a riot!!!

RELIGION
I was a strong girl. I didn't need some magical man in the sky, solving my problems when he deemed fit. If I'm burning in the fiery pits of hell right now, oh well. I was wrong.

GUESTS
Okay. I don't want just anyone attending this little soiree I'm having. First of all, if you did not consider me a moody bitch... don't come... you didn't know me. If you've never been over my house... don't come. If I was really polite to you... don't come. If you saw me cry... come. If you loved me unconditionally... come. If we laughed at the same shit... come. No aquaintances allowed!!!

MUSIC
Hmmm... my funeral is going to be an excuse of mine to make all you asshole's who won't give my taste the time of day, take a good, loooong listen. Here we go: Jeff's "Eternal Life," BFF's "Kate," Nina Simone's "Here Comes the Sun," spice it up with the Smith's "Boy with the Thorn in his Side," Radiohead's "Pyramid Song," Miles Davis' "Nature Boy," (with Cam doing vocals), add a little of Van Morrisson's "Moondance," Jeff's "Tongue" and slap me silly! Then you'll all leave saying, "Damn that bitch. She was right all along."

READINGS
Okay. I would love someone to read this excerpt from "Le Petit Prince": "All men have the stars, but they are not the same for different people. You--you alone will have the stars as no one else has them--In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... You--only you will have stars that can laugh! And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure... And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them,'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!' And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I have played on you..." I'd also like some Neruda in there, Blake, and some Rumi would be lovely, and perhaps some of "Slaughterhouse 5." "tweet tweet tweet...So it goes." Definitely include some George Carlin too. That bit about camcorders at funerals would be especially touching.

EPITAPH
It wasn't so bad, was it?

OBITUARY
Ah... the melodrama that was Samantha. You hated her, you loved her, but mostly, you wanted her to snap out of it. She managed to do everything she so feverishly yearned for. She lived in London, she became an infamous poet, she became an entrancing guitar player, she loved in Marseilles, and finally finished her life by overcoming her biggest fear... taking over New York City. She learned to say "I love you" in over 30 languages, she went bungee jumping in Melbourne, she found herself in the rainforest, and had sex in an elevator. But most importantly, she realized that life is what you make of it. Towards the end, she was bitching less, remember? Things were going her way. She was getting closer to Socrates' "truth."

OTHER