Martin Edwards is preparing to die.

Eade, David (1982-08-18)
Edgar, Kristyn (1991-07-27)
EDGAR, MATTHEW (1967-12-22)
Edmonds Jr., Thomas (1973-01-11)
Eduardo, Al (1974-01-16)
Edwards, Daphne (1931-12-09)
Edwards, Dominic (1972-08-06)
Edwards, Kevin (1986-04-30)
Edwards, Lee (1974-05-11)
Edwards, Martin (1969-09-19)
Edwards, Paul (1980-02-12)
Eevers, Tijs (1990-04-20)
Egan, Simon (1967-02-27)
Eight, Jamie (1991-06-20)
Ekins, Stu (1974-11-16)
Ekstrand, Ola (1974-06-21)
Elbow, Mr. (1991-09-19)
Eldred, Paige (1992-09-06)
Elizabeth, Kelly (1989-01-01)
Elliott, Karl (1972-12-11)
Ellis, Steve (1966-10-28)
EmbryncCel, Ded (1987-10-24)
Emo!! Girl, Princess (1995-10-29)
Emra, Andy (1978-10-16)
Ender, (0000-00-00)
Erkens, Toni (1971-06-15)
Erskine, Hannah (1989-01-01)
Esquivel, Alejandra (1987-10-06)
Evans, Beth (1986-08-30)
Evans, Gaz (1963-07-13)
Evans, Matthew (1975-03-13)
Evanson, Pete (1965-12-23)
Eve, Mary (1955-12-21)
Evil, J (1975-12-04)

A cardboard coffin please. I wish to return to the Earth. But if funds will allow I would like my ashes to be strapped in a can to the side of a Soyuz module during its return phase from the ISS. It is the most successful spacecraft in history, so I'd find that reassuring. And then please get one of the ground crew to scatter my ashes in Kazakstan.

A cardboard coffin. And I would like everyone, especially my children, to paint a picture on it, sign it, tag it, stick a photo on it or put a message, a card, a flower, a Post It note, whatever, on the exterior. But then they must also create an object which is impermible, corrosion proof, and that will resist time and weather. It need not be made of gold or precious stone. It could be as something as simple made of jade or bone. Engrave a message on it. Put it in the box.

Religion is comforting to some. And I don't mind what you do in the privacy of your own home. But there will be NO institutional or organised religion at MY FUNERAL!!! And no new age nonsense either. Silence can be more profound than warm words -so don't be embarrassed by it.

Just bring all my family & friends and let them each take away one of my records or CDs. There a few rarities in there. Except! My copy of K.A.O.S "Court's In Session" MUST go to Mark Alexander Preston at Ideal Skateboard Supply of Birmingham (he has first dibs and I promised that about 30 years ago).

The music heard by guests entering the funeral venue will be... hmm.. something dark by Lygeti or Handel, or a long dark ambient piece by Boards of Canada... No: use the last track on Brian Eno's "Music for Airports" Incidental background music for the service must be "Chill Out" by The KLF. I want Ellie & Lewis to choose a song that everyone will sing along to. (If they take the lead of "Wheels on the Bus" or "Old McDonald", that would make me smile). Upon conclusion of the service I'd like everyone to sing "The Galaxy Song" by Eric Idle of Monty Python. And during the procession outside everyone must dance "The Safety Dance" to the song of the same title by Mens Without Hats (search YouTube for the video, learn the moves ...jester costumes optional.)

Each person present must be prepared to: -read a passage from one of the few books I have read that they feel is relevant to me or their relationship to me. -OR they can read a passage from something they feel is relevant. -OR they can write a short speech or piece they would like to read. There is no obligation and no preferential selection to the order of speeches or readings. Just allow half an hour or so for anyone to get up and speak as they feel. If you bottle out of public speaking then please just print off what you WANTED to say and leave a copy at the door for everyone to read -anonymously if you wish. For your information: I have read the "Hitchhiker's" Trilogy by Douglas Adams, "Other Worlds" & "The Mind of God" by Paul Davis, "45" by Bill Drummond, "The Stranger" by Albert Camus, "The Great Shark Hunt" by H.S Thompson, "The Grand Chessboard" by Zibiignew Strabinski, and "How to Hotrod Volkswagen Engines" by Bill Fisher.

"The sun is just a star, but close up." -Carl Sagan. "Skateboarding is like conquering boredom. Kinda like the Blues, y'know." -Mark Gonzalez. "There are better things in life than football." -(that's a paraphrase, and needs to be researched and corrected... but it was an interview he did... the one where he wear a baseball hat and continually plays with the peak) Eric Cantona. "I still ran it." -Ben Johnson.


The after party must include several casks of real ale and carefully selected wines. The earliest ANYONE can leave the wake is midnight. Each guest must make sure the other doesn't sneak off to their hotel room (or wherever) before this time -the forfeit of which is to do a solo interpretation of the "Countdown" 30 second theme tune using the medium of dance. At the stroke of midnight Motorhead's "Ace of Spades" must be played REALLY FUCKING LOUD. "You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools, But that's the way I like it baby, I don't wanna live forever,".