Quequegg Jones III is preparing to die.

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B
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H
I
J, Markus (1985-06-03)
J, Sarah (1985-02-21)
Jackson, Laura (1987-02-05)
Jackson, Paul (1974-03-05)
Jackson, Stephen (1970-02-08)
Jalex, Rikard (1990-01-31)
James, Jason (1974-01-23)
James, Peter (1957-02-01)
Jani, Glm (1948-09-17)
Jarvis, Michael (1986-10-10)
Jarvis, Ross (1975-11-30)
Jaskowiak, R (1971-01-01)
Jay, Jess (1985-06-03)
Jaye, Tania (1979-09-20)
Jeffries, Roy (1941-02-18)
Jenkins, Aubrey (1975-05-11)
Jenkins, Susana (1979-07-06)
Jenkinson, Andrew (1972-03-22)
Jennifer, Javier (1982-11-27)
Jennings, David (1965-07-11)
Jent, Matthew (1979-03-13)
Jessup, Edd (1990-06-28)
Jielka, Bulien (1967-02-20)
Jiji, Julia (1990-02-09)
John, Bob (1975-07-24)
John, Daisy (1985-05-02)
Johnson, Adeline (1991-09-19)
Johnson, Daniel (1970-09-29)
Johnson, Iain (1979-11-11)
Johnston, Andrew (1960-02-29)
Johnston, John (1988-08-08)
Jones, Andrew (1974-05-22)
Jones, Casey (1984-11-02)
Jones, Claire (1989-10-27)
Jones, Eli (1975-11-05)
Jones, Lydia (1974-02-03)
Jones, Ruth (1960-12-18)
Jones, Vanessa (1973-01-11)
Jones, Zara (1979-11-03)
Jones III, Quequegg (1792-06-17)
Jourdain, Henry (1972-11-30)
Jowers, SHARON (1980-01-31)
Joy, Nena (1945-11-08)
Jugon, Dean (1986-05-08)
Julian, Christopher (1969-04-30)
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DISPOSAL
As I said, I want to be eaten after the funeral service. If you want to shit me out somewhere special, then either at Buckingham Palace, or in the hole of the 18th green at St Andrews. Thanks.

COFFIN
Well, what will remain of me (entrails, cerebro-spinal system and bones) shall be buried in a normal coffin, but gilded in gold, and standing upright, so the grave diggers have to dig that extra 6 feet deep to accomodate me within UK law.

RELIGION
Belief? Organised or not, it is pointless. Believe what you like, it won't change a single thing, except maybe your own actions, and if you can't think for yourself, the let me be your God. Come, my fanatics...

GUESTS
I want to invite the entire population of China. And Queen Elizabeth II to go on lichwake, and be my pallbearer.

MUSIC
The Bestiality song, as recorded by the UEA Pirates. "Down the throat of a goat boys, down the throat of a goat..."

READINGS
A man lies in his bed in a room with no door He waits, hoping for a presence, something, anything to enter After spending half his life searching He still felt as blank as the ceiling at which he stared He is alive, but feels absolutely nothing; so is he? When he was six, he believed that the moon overhead followed him By nine, he deciphered the illusion, trading magic for fact; no trade-backs So this is what it's like to be an adult? If he only knew now what he knew then Lying sideways atop crumpled sheets and no covers He decides to dream...Dream up a new self...For himself "There the wicked cease from troubling, and there the weary be at rest" - Job ch. 3, v. 17 And for my encore... "Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest" - Ecclesiastes ch. 9, v. 10

EPITAPH
Either... "Be sure your sin will find you out" - Numbers ch. 32, v. 23 Or... "Behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly" - I Samuel ch. 26, v. 21 Or even... "Jesus wept" - St John ch. 11, v. 35

OBITUARY
HE could never be arsed to finish anything he started. And...

OTHER
I want your children to bury me