Iain Johnson is preparing to die.

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J, Markus (1985-06-03)
J, Sarah (1985-02-21)
Jackson, Laura (1987-02-05)
Jackson, Paul (1974-03-05)
Jackson, Stephen (1970-02-08)
Jalex, Rikard (1990-01-31)
James, Jason (1974-01-23)
James, Peter (1957-02-01)
Jani, Glm (1948-09-17)
Jarvis, Michael (1986-10-10)
Jarvis, Ross (1975-11-30)
Jaskowiak, R (1971-01-01)
Jay, Jess (1985-06-03)
Jaye, Tania (1979-09-20)
Jeffries, Roy (1941-02-18)
Jenkins, Aubrey (1975-05-11)
Jenkins, Susana (1979-07-06)
Jenkinson, Andrew (1972-03-22)
Jennifer, Javier (1982-11-27)
Jennings, David (1965-07-11)
Jent, Matthew (1979-03-13)
Jessup, Edd (1990-06-28)
Jielka, Bulien (1967-02-20)
Jiji, Julia (1990-02-09)
John, Bob (1975-07-24)
John, Daisy (1985-05-02)
Johnson, Adeline (1991-09-19)
Johnson, Daniel (1970-09-29)
Johnson, Iain (1979-11-11)
Johnston, Andrew (1960-02-29)
Johnston, John (1988-08-08)
Jones, Andrew (1974-05-22)
Jones, Casey (1984-11-02)
Jones, Claire (1989-10-27)
Jones, Eli (1975-11-05)
Jones, Lydia (1974-02-03)
Jones, Ruth (1960-12-18)
Jones, Vanessa (1973-01-11)
Jones, Zara (1979-11-03)
Jones III, Quequegg (1792-06-17)
Jourdain, Henry (1972-11-30)
Jowers, SHARON (1980-01-31)
Joy, Nena (1945-11-08)
Jugon, Dean (1986-05-08)
Julian, Christopher (1969-04-30)
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DISPOSAL
I don't really mind, but, ideally, if there's enough money, set up a giant grabbing machine, like the ones in an amusement arcade, with large perspex sides so the kids can press their faces against and leave snotty marks, and nasty MIDI electronic music and noises to drive the grown-ups mad. Each person puts 20p in a slot and presses a FORWARD then ALONG button, everyone waits in anticipation as the giant three-legged claw grabs the corner of my box and raises it 6foot off the ground, swinging side to side franticly, then "BOOF!" it drops it to the floor again like a sack of shite. Repeat until someone manages to get me in the grave, That person then recieves a lifesize furry stuffed toy keyring effigy of my greatself....

COFFIN
Normal coffin, but if it gets out of hand i would like a range of remedies handed out such as Covonia, Gee's Linctus Venos etc and something for the kids.

RELIGION
Can music save your mortal soul?

GUESTS


MUSIC
EVERYbody to bring their own Walkmans, iPods etc, 6.66 mins of the service to be dedicated to listening to music of your choice. Or perhaps old recordings of Ken Bruce. Whatever you like.

READINGS
Anyone from Reading is welcome of course, if you dont fancy driving you could always get the train, cheap day return for about 12. There's always plenty of taxis outside the station.

EPITAPH


OBITUARY
Iain was the nicest bloke i ever met. He lived a simple life, holding down a whole host of temporary jobs whilst trying to grow a handlebar moustache, which is the minimum entry requirements to get into the European Professional Pornstar Industry (EPPI). Sadly however, he left us without ever fully realising his dream, but for a few local amateur flicks, the rest is left to our imaginations.

OTHER
Bill Payer