Jason Persse is preparing to die.

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B
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E
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H
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P, Chris (1967-11-08)
P, P (1983-11-07)
P, William (1975-03-02)
Page, Nick (1961-05-22)
Paling, Stewart (1972-04-22)
Palmer, Michael (1968-09-22)
Pant, Mahesh (1978-01-28)
Pardy, Brian (1900-01-01)
Paris, Blue (1969-07-22)
Parker, Jonathan (1970-12-19)
Parker, Weston (1982-04-22)
Parkin, Emma (1972-12-27)
Parrish, Mike (1987-04-17)
Parry Okeden, Nicholas (1988-07-29)
Pascoe, Gabrielle (1970-01-24)
Paterson, Phillip (1985-04-20)
Paterson, Stuart (1972-04-07)
Pathetic, Lib (1990-07-11)
Patil, Patil (1981-12-25)
Patrick, Kelly (1974-12-31)
PATTENDEN, Colin (2002-01-02)
Pattison, Ziekk (1984-05-15)
Pavlovic, Matija (1989-01-11)
Pawson, Spencer (1970-07-20)
Paxton, Kyle (1989-02-12)
Payfer, Tom (1957-08-02)
Pearce, Clare (1982-02-01)
Peck, John (1979-04-12)
Pedreschi, Aidan (1969-10-04)
Pelaez, Edgar (1984-09-11)
Pelaéz, Victoria (1985-11-02)
Peña, Marisol (1988-07-21)
Peñalba, Javier (1980-10-14)
Pennington, Emma (1989-03-17)
Peralta, Enrique (1978-06-03)
Perklington, Sam (1990-06-23)
Persse, Jason (1974-11-23)
Peter, Peter (1981-11-27)
Peterson, Sue (1961-12-05)
Petkovic, Drazen (1991-05-04)
Petty, Brian (1978-01-04)
Peyras, Gaelle (1983-05-31)
Pfeffer, Catherine (1946-05-16)
Philip, Brendan (1975-05-10)
Philipps, Sarah (1987-01-08)
Phillips, Roscoe (1988-03-01)
Pickering, Andrew (1976-12-31)
Pina, Aaron (1975-07-15)
Pipu I Sofi, Pipu I Sofi (1980-03-24)
Pirtola, Pilvari (2001-12-29)
Pist Off, Pissin (1985-12-01)
Planes, Alice (1979-11-06)
Plant, Danny (1977-12-13)
Plant, Kit (1974-08-08)
Plant, Mark (1980-01-22)
Plenti, Jules (1990-03-10)
Pocket, Polly (1983-07-11)
Polbäck, Jonathan (1977-12-22)
Pollard, Andrew (1972-12-26)
Pollard, George (1975-12-22)
Pollock, Stephen (1964-07-18)
Poopcheck, Stubbly (1976-10-23)
Pope, Phin (1976-03-12)
Poptart, Mister (0000-00-00)
Porter, Tom (1982-08-31)
Portugal, Diane (1983-05-26)
Potz-Rayner, Steve (1970-01-24)
Powell, Emily (1991-04-28)
Power, David (1977-08-02)
Pppp, Rrrr (1988-03-01)
Pradhan, Chintaman (1954-02-25)
Prass, Ram (1967-07-09)
Preiti, Matias (1989-08-04)
Presley, Lisa Marie (1981-07-15)
Price, Hannah (1992-03-13)
Price, Rebecca (1972-11-21)
Price, Rob (1985-07-28)
Priest, Gray (1976-03-11)
Prior, Rachel (1986-09-02)
Purcell, John (0000-00-00)
Puru, Puru (1984-08-02)
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Y
Z

DISPOSAL
Whatever's cheapest. After appropriate thermal/chemical treatment, throw the leftovers in the Pacific Ocean.

COFFIN
I'm dead, for Chrissakes. The coffin really isn't for me, is it?

RELIGION
If at any point in my life I found religion, that must be what killed me.

GUESTS
No paparazzi!

MUSIC
"Take this Job and Shove It" by the Dead Kennedys

READINGS
Captain Kirk's funeral speech for Spock from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

EPITAPH
I told you I was sick!

OBITUARY
Depending upon the weather, his blood sugar, and the fortunes of his favorite sports teams, the deceased was capable of being a pleasant, if sardonic, person, or a bitter, contemptible shit. He was also a writer of little repute.

OTHER
Please serve lots and lots of alcohol at the wake. I'm Irish by blood, so you should all be Irish by blood-alcohol on this sad day.