Hayley Sears is preparing to die.

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S, Bella (2004-06-01)
Saan, Des (1983-02-27)
Saint, Cristopher (1970-01-01)
Salmiakki, Lilja (1981-10-25)
Sanchez, Darlyn (1990-12-01)
Sanders, Russ (1964-04-20)
Sano, Sakimi (1993-04-03)
Santorinni, Carolinee (1992-01-29)
Sara, Mj (1998-01-20)
Sarah, Sarah (1983-03-08)
Sauers, Gabriel (1988-11-05)
Saul, George (1974-06-05)
Saville, Davy "went Out Singing" (1972-12-10)
Schaefer, James (1980-09-08)
Schilling, Sheila (1981-09-05)
Schmidt, Klaus (1982-09-16)
Schmitt, Kass (0000-00-00)
Schonfeld, Yaniv (1984-07-29)
Schroeer, Karsten (1968-07-06)
Schwertgen, David (1975-06-23)
Schwinzerl, Martin (1979-02-19)
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Scott, Shelly Rae (1973-07-17)
Scott, Viki (1990-07-05)
Scrivener, John (1977-03-23)
Scullion, Cathal (1977-10-19)
Seace, Rob (1971-08-08)
Sears, Hayley (1981-04-11)
Segovia Borcsoque, Camila Fernanda (1994-07-29)
Selby, James (1976-09-21)
Selin, Pete (1975-01-15)
Sergeant, Richard (1974-07-15)
Shackleton, Carol (1965-11-23)
Shade, Chris (1975-04-24)
Sharma, Kumar (1983-02-10)
Sharp, Alice (1989-11-18)
Sharrock, Dylan L (1976-02-04)
Shaw, Edward (1986-04-23)
Shayah, Beth (1980-09-20)
Shell, Shell (1971-08-11)
Sheppard, Katie (1992-02-16)
Sheridan, Paul (1973-03-14)
Shiouwza, Gary (1987-09-11)
Shipman, David (1983-02-18)
Shukla, Ankur (1981-05-02)
Silvester, Andrew (1972-02-20)
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Simmonds, Gareth (1989-12-20)
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Sims, Kenny (1990-08-24)
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Slattery, Mark (1975-02-21)
Slushie, Cherry (1991-09-19)
SM, Alex (1996-02-27)
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Small, Sally (1973-04-01)
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Smith, Christine (Kat) (1976-04-21)
Smith, Damian (1984-12-06)
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Soohyun, Choi (1981-06-29)
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Southern, Andrew (1974-07-06)
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Sparko, El (1986-05-03)
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Spragg, Graham (1989-08-11)
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Standen, Jay (1969-11-28)
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DISPOSAL
No cremation. Put me in a tomb above ground.

COFFIN
I want my coffin to resemble a dildo: big, black and shiny.

RELIGION
Talk to Leilah Wendell and Daniel Kemp about the Necromantics. They're in NOLA at the Westgate.

GUESTS
Let everybody come in. I suppose most of them will be there just to check and make sure I'm not pulling a prank. But if the crowd gets larger than 50, start charging admission, $5 a head.

MUSIC
Beatles quadruple-shot: Free As A Bird, Golden Slumbers, Carry That Weight, The End. Before the service, play Forgot About Timmy. And have everybody shout out the South Park clips.

READINGS
The ending of "The Reach" from Stephen King's Skeleton Crew. I also have plenty of death poems and stuff on the computer, so pick something from there.

EPITAPH
Have you gained weight recently?

OBITUARY
Hayley Rebecca Sears - born April 11, 1981, died whenever. She is survived by one friend and many family members. She is preceeded in death by her grandfather, 2 great-grandmothers, one great-aunt, and one great-uncle.

OTHER