Phillip Paterson is preparing to die.

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P, Chris (1967-11-08)
P, P (1983-11-07)
P, William (1975-03-02)
Page, Nick (1961-05-22)
Paling, Stewart (1972-04-22)
Palmer, Michael (1968-09-22)
Pant, Mahesh (1978-01-28)
Pardy, Brian (1900-01-01)
Paris, Blue (1969-07-22)
Parker, Jonathan (1970-12-19)
Parker, Weston (1982-04-22)
Parkin, Emma (1972-12-27)
Parrish, Mike (1987-04-17)
Parry Okeden, Nicholas (1988-07-29)
Pascoe, Gabrielle (1970-01-24)
Paterson, Phillip (1985-04-20)
Paterson, Stuart (1972-04-07)
Pathetic, Lib (1990-07-11)
Patil, Patil (1981-12-25)
Patrick, Kelly (1974-12-31)
PATTENDEN, Colin (2002-01-02)
Pattison, Ziekk (1984-05-15)
Pavlovic, Matija (1989-01-11)
Pawson, Spencer (1970-07-20)
Paxton, Kyle (1989-02-12)
Payfer, Tom (1957-08-02)
Pearce, Clare (1982-02-01)
Peck, John (1979-04-12)
Pedreschi, Aidan (1969-10-04)
Pelaez, Edgar (1984-09-11)
Pelaéz, Victoria (1985-11-02)
Peña, Marisol (1988-07-21)
Peñalba, Javier (1980-10-14)
Pennington, Emma (1989-03-17)
Peralta, Enrique (1978-06-03)
Perklington, Sam (1990-06-23)
Persse, Jason (1974-11-23)
Peter, Peter (1981-11-27)
Peterson, Sue (1961-12-05)
Petkovic, Drazen (1991-05-04)
Petty, Brian (1978-01-04)
Peyras, Gaelle (1983-05-31)
Pfeffer, Catherine (1946-05-16)
Philip, Brendan (1975-05-10)
Philipps, Sarah (1987-01-08)
Phillips, Roscoe (1988-03-01)
Pickering, Andrew (1976-12-31)
Pina, Aaron (1975-07-15)
Pipu I Sofi, Pipu I Sofi (1980-03-24)
Pirtola, Pilvari (2001-12-29)
Pist Off, Pissin (1985-12-01)
Planes, Alice (1979-11-06)
Plant, Danny (1977-12-13)
Plant, Kit (1974-08-08)
Plant, Mark (1980-01-22)
Plenti, Jules (1990-03-10)
Pocket, Polly (1983-07-11)
Polbäck, Jonathan (1977-12-22)
Pollard, Andrew (1972-12-26)
Pollard, George (1975-12-22)
Pollock, Stephen (1964-07-18)
Poopcheck, Stubbly (1976-10-23)
Pope, Phin (1976-03-12)
Poptart, Mister (0000-00-00)
Porter, Tom (1982-08-31)
Portugal, Diane (1983-05-26)
Potz-Rayner, Steve (1970-01-24)
Powell, Emily (1991-04-28)
Power, David (1977-08-02)
Pppp, Rrrr (1988-03-01)
Pradhan, Chintaman (1954-02-25)
Prass, Ram (1967-07-09)
Preiti, Matias (1989-08-04)
Presley, Lisa Marie (1981-07-15)
Price, Hannah (1992-03-13)
Price, Rebecca (1972-11-21)
Price, Rob (1985-07-28)
Priest, Gray (1976-03-11)
Prior, Rachel (1986-09-02)
Purcell, John (0000-00-00)
Puru, Puru (1984-08-02)
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DISPOSAL
I guess I am happy with cremation. To be honest, I've never been appealed by it. But it is the best of a bad bunch. Don't really see myself buried six feet under, rotting away. Besides, I remember that Martin/Molloy sketch about the National Trust giving you the arse from your own grave after a century or so. I don't want to pay bond that I'm going to lose off a technicality. So yeah, cremation would be nice. Especially if you could scatter them somewhere a bit interesting. Somewhere pretty but not too lonely. Near good quality restaurants, pubs and public transport would be ideal.

COFFIN
Since we're going to the trouble of burning my body, nothing too fancy is required. But I would appreciate someone putting in a longneck of Coopers Sparkling Ale anyway.

RELIGION
Erm...religion? I'm waiting to find out about that after death.

GUESTS
Everyone is welcome except for my dad. He's a bit of douche and I don't want him ruining it for everyone.

MUSIC
Here's the, er, playlist: The Triffids - "The Seabirds/Estuary Bed" The Durutti Column - "Madeline" The La's - "Son of a Gun" The Go-Betweens - "Finding You" British Sea Power - "Come Wander With Me" The Human League - "Mirror Man" (always good to go on a high with a synthpop meets northern soul classic, right?)

READINGS
Can I get someone up on stage in a cape giving it a few random Get This catchphrases to confuse everyone? Erin would be most suitable if available. If Rex Hunt is still around and we can afford him, a great speech from him would be great. Also, get someone recite the first side of Steve Martin's "A Wild and Crazy Guy" with the edits included.

EPITAPH
"NO, I DON'T LOOK LIKE WIL WHEATON."

OBITUARY
"Blah blah blah popular internet forum character blah blah blah gunshots blah blah blah financial irregularities blah blah blah."

OTHER
If I am stabbed, feel free to show the knife around the wake. Dudes will laugh.